Rick Tastic Goes To China… For The Weekend – Friday Night

Blake can barely contain himself, "Yeah, we know! She literally walked out of the building as we walked in and she hopped in the taxi we took here. Talk about an awkward moment when we made eye contact..."

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Hong Kong - Tsim Sha Tsui
Blake has some shit to take care of during the day so I tag along, taking in all the sights (and some unpleasant smells) and eating a ton of awesome food for very cheap.

On our way back to the hotel at the end of the day we stop at a grocery store to get some liquor and mixers. Once back, we chill out for a while until our friends Hugh and his girlfriend, Ash, show up.

Hugh is originally from Guangzhou, a couple hours outside of Hong Kong, and he and Ash are visiting his parents for the month.

Let the drinking commence!


After a couple hours of pregaming we catch the MTR (the subway) to Lan Kwai Fong, which I've deemed the international bar-hopping block of Hong Kong.

Lan Kwai Fong at Night

This place is amazing. There are a ton of bars to be found here as well as people from all over the world. Plus, it doesn't hurt that as a result of it being such an international party spot, most of the people speak English really well.

Our first stop is the Alhambra Shisha Lounge, found on the fourth floor of the Ho Lee commercial building in Lan Kwai Fong. After waiting for a table to open up we take our seats, order some shisha and a round of drinks.

Rick and Hugh in Alhambra Shisha Lounge
Blake nods in the direction of a couple hot Asians seated a few feet away, "Rick, go."

They're not my top picks, but I haven't said a word to anyone yet so I might as well warm up.

I take a seat at their table and about 30 seconds later I'm on my way back to our table.

"What happened?"

"Hell if I know, they wouldn't even give me a high five!"

Our round of drinks arrives just as Blake spots a couple cute Asians by the bar. Blake then does what Blake does best: he approaches like a fucking machine. Zero hesitation.

I'm still feeling lazy and somewhat anti-social so after ignoring my own internal instincts to help Blake, Hugh prods me, "Rick, get in there!"

And I'm up.

I jump in, introduce myself, banter with them and then Blake invites them to our table. We shoot the shit for a while and smoke some shisha.

The next thing I know, I'm waking up to Blake yelling and banging on something.


"I'M UP! I'M UP!"

"Dude, you've been gone for like an hour. We thought you died in here."

"Nope, just taking a nap!"

Fucking shisha, man. It chills me the fuck out, and apparently to the point where I can take a nap while sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of a loud-as-fuck shisha lounge.

We go back to the table, close out the tab and head downstairs to the street.

I'm still waking up so I'm useless for a good hour. We wander around, check out some bars, Blake dances with a woman's wig on and Ash gets up on a bar and dances on a pole.

Well done, team.

I finally manage to get my shit together as we enter a bar playing classic 80s hits (my fave). Blake and I talk to a few girls but none of them want to buy what we're selling.

As we walk out of the bar there's a group of girls who look like they're having a vagina meeting to decide where to go next.

It appears as if there are a couple stragglers on the outside of the herd.

Blake and I pounce.

My girl is short and cute, and a ginger, but she does have nice tits and a hot British accent (I think she was from Australia, but whatever, same shit).

I don't remember it in its entirety but if I were to summarize our 2 minute conversation into 1 minute it would look like this:

Me: "Hey, are you with that big group over there?"
Her: "No, I have no idea who they…"

Me: "Oh my God, I love your accent! Where are you from?!"
Her: (no idea what she said, but definitely either England or Australia or Ireland or Scotland or Wales… definitely one of those)

Me: "Let's dance"
Her: "Ok!"

We dance…

Me: "Let's make out!"
Her: "Ok!"

We make out…

Me: "Let's go back to my hotel and play checkers."
Her: "Ok!"

CheckersCheckers… Because when openly agreeing to have sex with you makes her feel too slutty, openly agreeing to go back to your hotel room at 4am to play a board game is perfectly acceptable

By this time Blake's already been blown out by the ginger's friend so I track him down.

"Dude, I need the room key."


I point to the ginger, "We're gonna go play checkers."

He laughs, "Jesus Christ, did you actually say that?"

"Yeah, she said she doesn't know how to play so I'm going to teach her."



"ALRIGHT! Hugh has it, stay here, I'll go get it."

I go back to the ginger and tell her we have to wait while Blake convinces Hugh to give up the room key… it's a tricky argument to make since we only have one key… plus I have my reputation of disappearing and falling asleep at inconvenient times so who knows where I could end up between here and the hotel.

Blake returns, "Alright, here it is. It's 4am right now. We're giving you until 5:15. At that time we'll be coming back so you'd better be done… and NOT asleep!"

"Roger that! Checkers never takes that long anyway!"

I take the ginger (I still don't know her name, but she's a ginger and gingers have no soul, so her name is insignificant) by the hand and lead her toward the taxis.

Hong Kong Taxi at Night
We hail down a cab and jump in the back, at which point we resume making out while my hands wrestle with her sweater puppies.

She interrupts, "I need to get back home by 11am, will you be able…"

"Yeah, yeah, of course, I'll give you some cab money."

"Yay! Thanks!"

We go back to making out. She has an odd taste in her mouth… I realized this before but now it's getting to me. It's very reminiscent of seafood, like she just took a fish out of the ocean and went to town on it.

As in, it's NOT a pleasant taste.

I try to limit the making out to something in between just lips and open mouth so it doesn't taste like I'm eating sushi every time my tongue hits hers.

We get back to the hotel and I bring her up to the room.

"My friends gave me until 5:15 to teach you checkers, that gives us about an hour."

She smiles, "Well, I guess you should start teaching me."

We rip each others' clothes off and I immediately go down on her.

I realize now that probably wasn't the best idea considering how easily I got her back to the hotel, and how put off I was by the taste in her mouth, and how easily I got her back to the hotel, and how put off I was by the taste in her mouth, and how easily I… ahhh FUCK IT, what's one STD in the long run anyway?

After making her cum I place a request, "Suck my dick."

Ok, so it was more of a command.

"I can't, I need to get back to my friends soon."

"Well in THAT case, I guess we better bring this to a fucking close, shouldn't we?!"

(no pun intended)

I start taking my pants off…

"Do you have a condom?"

"Yeah, of course…"

Once naked I climb on top of her and start kissing her neck. My hand slides down below to start the finale when she looks down.

"I thought you said you had a condom!"

"I do, it's right over there on the table!"

"Well put it on!"

"Oh, come on!"

"PUT. IT. ON."

"FINE! God damn!"

I get up, get the condom, go back to the bed and pound her fucking brains out. 

I thought about taking it off in the middle of fucking her, but my conscience got in the way.

We finish up and I go clean off in the bathroom. I put some pants on and help her play Find My Clothes You Threw Everywhere.

While she's getting dressed I grab HK$100 out of my wallet for her cab.

HK$100 is about US$13, and it cost HK$50 to get back to the hotel so it looks like she made a profit. 

She walks over to say goodbye and I hand her the cash.

"Haha this feels kind of wrong."

Yeah, I'm sure it does, I bet you don't do this every weekend. 

"Eh whatever."

"Well, thanks, have a good night."

She leaves and I jump in the shower to wash the sushi off.

As I get out and put my pants back on, Blake, Hugh, and Ash walk through the door.

"Hahaha she just left, good timing."

Blake can barely contain himself, "Yeah, we know! She literally walked out of the building as we walked in and she hopped in the taxi we took here. Talk about an awkward moment when we made eye contact…"


Blake asks, "What was her name anyway?"

"Hell if I know…"

"Oh, good… at least you used a condom, right?"

"I tried not to, but she was persistent."

"Jesus Christ, Rick…"

On to Saturday!



Have you ever been to Hong Kong? Where did you stay once you arrived? What did you do? Comment below and tell me about it!

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