We're so hungover from last night the entire Dallas Cowboys cheerleader squad, drunk and naked and horny, could walk into our hotel room and I would chuck the hotel phone at them yelling at them to get out!
Eh, maybe not.
We need to start drinking AS SOON AS POSSIBLE so we grab some Bloody Marys downstairs. I get another craving to win more money so Andy and I catch a cab to O'Sheas Casino to enter a poker tournament. As soon as the other players sit down I'm selected for the "Best Dressed in the Casino" award. Unfortunately the "Best Dressed in the Casino" award doesn't grant me a +1 to poker and since my poker skills are on par with those of a rock I'm the first one out of the tournament.
Rick Tastic: 4
Blackjack, here I come!
Andy joins me a little later. I win more and he loses more. I do it slowly so I can get shit-faced off White Russians. After doubling my money we try to make it back to the hotel in one piece. In the beautiful daylight with White Russians in hand we set out. As we're walking down the strip I notice three girls in front of us, all wearing bikini tops.
I say something to them.
Unfortunately, they're not very responsive.
Drunk Rick Tastic does not approve!
One-by-one I gently pull the strings on the backs of their bikini tops, watching as the tops fall just before the girls realize what's going on and quickly cover their almost-revealed breasts.
Rick Tastic: 5
We continue walking and come upon the hard-working men and women of Hispanic descent giving out those clever little cards with the phone numbers of beautiful, hard working women on them (aka hooker cards). As Andy and I walk past these guys we take as many as we can.
After collecting a nice stack we stand next to them and start doing our own "marketing" for these beautiful working ladies. While we're standing there the three bikini-clad girls walk by and yell at me again. After handing all the cards out we resume our quest.
Or at least we try.
You see, this is Vegas, where Karma is king, and the king is not a fan of my bikini antics. As we're walking I take a step, Karma intercedes, my foot hits the back of my other foot, and I go crashing down.
Just tripping and falling would have been OK for untying one bikini, but as we know, I untied not one, not two, but THREE girls' bikini tops. As I trip, I somehow manage to do a 180 and land FLAT on my back.
Great, so that makes up for two untied bikini tops.
What do I get for the third, you ask?!
If you recall, Andy and I walked out of the casino with White Russians. Well, apparently my first reaction when I trip and fall is not only to spin around and land on my back, but to also make sure I continue holding whatever is in my hands as I go down.
I lay on the ground, face and chest covered in white liquid (that's what she said), empty plastic cup still in hand, while Andy stands over me, laughing his ass off.
Rick Tastic: 5
We somehow make it back to the hotel where I pass-the-fuck-out as soon as I touch the bed.
I wake up to find myself on the floor. I wonder how that happened…
Anyway, sometime after that video was taken I get up and the room is empty, so I try to find something, anything that could clue me in on the time, but my watch and cell phone are in the other room, I'm key-less, and this is Vegas so there are ZERO clocks in the room (casinos don't want you to be aware of the passage of time). I do notice it's dark out so I figure the guys are out to dinner and will be back soon. Strangely though, I'm not drunk anymore.
That is NOT ok.
Shortly thereafter my friends bust through the door and try to get me up telling me it's time to party.
I respond, "What time is it?"
"Dude, it's almost 5 o'clock! Let's go!"
I look at them confused, "5 o'clock?! Why is it so dark out? Andy, I thought we got back around 4!"
"Rick, it's 5 o'clock in the MORNING."
"FUCK! I SLEPT THROUGH THE WHOLE NIGHT?!"
We proceed to run around Vegas trying to get into some trouble but we have no luck. The after-hours club has a stupid-long line and everyone else has to catch a flight in the morning anyway. We surrender and head back to Bally's.
Everyone except Andy and I get ready and leave for the airport. We slowly get our drunken/hungover asses up and start packing. We realize we can't make it in one trip to the car so we grab as much shit as we can and head to the parking lot.
When we get back to the room I insert my card, the light flashes green, I twist the handle and push.
The door barely opens before hitting metal.
Somehow the night latch was flipped when we closed the door the first time.
Great. Now let's review the facts:
1) This room was booked and paid for by our friend, Yumi, who is most likely sitting on a 737 at the Las Vegas airport right now
2) We have NO proof we stayed in this room
3) See facts 1 and 2 for further clarification
We get house cleaning to call a security guard who proceeds to ask us as many questions as he can to somehow verify we were staying in the room. At one point he asks us if there is anything in the room with our names on it or some proof that we had been in there.
I have my wallet. Andy has his. There may or may not be a notepad in the room with our names on it. My phone is in the room.
My video camera!
"My video camera is in there! I have footage of us in the room!"
"That would be perfect," the guard says, having no idea just how perfect it is.
The security guard then calls engineering and has someone sent up to undo the night latch. He eventually gets the door open and the security guard asks me to show him the footage. The only thing I can find with the both of us in the room is a 15-minute video where we try to recap the previous night. What I don't remember is how it starts, but luckily the security guard is right there watching when the video reminds me…
The security guard is barely able to contain his laughter.
"Alright guys, that's good, that's all I needed to see. Have a safe trip home."
Andy and I look at each other, "Fuck you, Vegas."
Rick Tastic: 5
Have you been to Vegas? What was your first time like? What was your favorite memory from the experience? Comment below and tell me about it!
- VEGAS. ROUND 1. THURSDAY & FRIDAY – POPPING THE CHERRY
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- VEGAS. ROUND 2. SATURDAY – GIRLS DIRECT TO YOUR ROOM IN 20 MINUTES
- VEGAS. ROUND 2. SATURDAY – POOLS AND HOOKERS!
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