Vegas. Round 1. Thursday & Friday – Popping The Cherry

This is the trip that changed it all. Before this trip I was a Vegas Virgin™ and had little clue as to what was in store for me.

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This is the trip that changed it all. Before this trip I was a Vegas Virgin™ and had little clue as to what was in store for me.

Vegas

Thursday

We get to Vegas and immediately proceed to the wrong hotel, all the way up to the floor we think we're on before realizing the room numbers are numbered differently.

Pro-tip – Don't drink and drive to Vegas, kids. It's a LONG drive.

Vegas: 1
Rick Tastic: 0

We get to the correct hotel, get ready, and then head to TAO. We flirt with some girls and they "slide us in" with them through the VIP line. As we walk in, a cute girl with blue hair greets us. Andy and I chat with her for a bit, Andy goes to the dance floor, I continue chatting. I lead her outside the entrance so I can actually hear what she's saying. We flirt, I tell her I'm going to make out with her, she tells me she'd love to but she's married.

I go back inside, but I don't remember the rest of the night.

Vegas: 2
Rick Tastic: 0

 

Friday

We wake up, bullshit for a while and then get breakfast at 1pm because all Andy can think about is getting his goddamn eggs. We end up at Cabo and start drinking.

Breakfast with drinks: $47.

Per person.

Fuck me.

Vegas: 3
Rick Tastic: 0

After Cabo we walk around the strip for a while until I get a craving for Blackjack. We find an empty table in Caesar's Palace, and like the baller that I am (or like the baller I like to pretend I am) I slap down a $100 bill, go all in, and walk away with $200.

Vegas: 3
Rick Tastic: 1

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In the meantime the rest of the guys are waiting for me in the lobby. Andy sees a couple cute girls standing near the front desk and goes up to them.

Inspired by the instant classic of 2009, and with a completely straight face, the first words out of his mouth are, "Excuse me, girls… Can you tell me if this is the real Caesar's Palace? Did Caesar really live here?"

One girl can barely stop herself from doubling over with laughter while the other one looks about as entertained as a Christian fundamentalist reading my blog. He continues talking to the one who laughed while the other girl stands awkwardly to the side with her shoulder toward Andy. I walk up, Andy introduces me and we all chat.

Some doctor shows up and the two girls leave with him. We head back to the hotel.

We start getting ready for the night when Angela thinks it would be an awesome idea to put mascara and eyeliner on me. I've never wanted to have sex with myself as much as I did when I looked in the mirror then. I put on a pair of fuzzy, pink bunny ears.

We roll out of the room, but not before I grab a handle of Grey Goose for the road. We hop in a couple taxis and head to XS.

XS Las Vegas

We reach Encore at the Wynn, get out of the cab, and Andy turns to me, slightly confused, "Rick, how much money did you just give to the taxi driver?"

"He just told me his WHOLE life story about growing up in Ethiopia! Winning a LOTTERY to come here! Having to pay $6,000 to fly his family home every couple of years to visit! He deserves that money way more than I do!"

"Rick, how much did you pay him for that $7 taxi ride?"

"$80…"

"Rick – it's going to cost you $50 to get into XS. How much money do you have left?"

"…$35"

Vegas: 4
Rick Tastic: 1

Everybody gets in line, but the line is long and I don't like waiting in lines ("Well, that hasn't changed in 7 years." – 2017 Rick) so I wander up and down the halls of the hotel going into different stores and chatting up people as they walk by. After a while I realize our group is close to the front so I attempt to get back in line with them.

One of the bouncers notices me. "Sir, what do you think you're doing?"

"I'm getting in line with my friends."

"Yeah, we know they're your friends, but we've also been watching you go up and down the halls waving your bottle of Grey Goose and partying while your friends stood in line the whole time."

"So you're saying I can stay?"

"Back of the line. Now."

Vegas: 5
Rick Tastic: 1

I head to the back of the line, which has grown from "long" to "ridiculous." I don't really want to wait and knowing the guys are inside already, I stealthily make my way to the front. (And by stealthily I mean I bumped into every single person in line explaining that I'm "trying to reach my friends at the front" until I reached a group of people close to the entrance at which point I declared I had found my "friends at the front.")

Vegas: 5
Rick Tastic: 2

XS went something like this:

Dance with girl. Dance with another girl. Dance with multiple girls. Dance by myself. Dance with another girl. Make out with girl. Leave dance floor to take a break. Get hit on. Get hit on. On the way to the bar making eye contact with every beautiful woman walking toward me, watching every single one eye-fuck the shit out of me. Get to the bar, relax. Get hit on. Go back to the dance floor. Get hit on. Dance with Andy, Rob, and Leland. Dance with some girls. Dance with another girl. Make out with girl. Dance by myself. Leave dance floor to take a break. Get hit on. Get hit on. On the way outside once again making eye contact with every beautiful woman walking toward me, some that are off to the side, and others somewhere else. Back to the dance floor, rinse and repeat.

There were memories I recall more specifically than others which pretty much set the tone for how I was the whole night.

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The first is a girl coming up to me and saying, "HEY! Do you remember me?"

"No."

"You told me my tits are gorgeous!!!"

Right, well that narrows it down…

NEXT!

I'm walking off the dance floor. A bouncer gently grabs my forearm, "Sir, you really need to stop bumping into people when you're walking around."

I actually didn't notice, I was completely oblivious to everyone around me at that point and, surprisingly, it was not because I was drunk… 

Eh. Maybe it was because I was drunk.

"Oh wow, I'm sorry, I didn't even notice!"

The bouncer points to a guy behind him, "I had to physically restrain this guy as he was about to knock you out."

I thank him and shake his hand.

The bouncer. Not the guy.

NEXT!

I see Andy and Leland dancing. Beyond them, I see a seductively adorable Persian woman wearing devil horns. We make eye contact. I start walking through the crowd like I just split the fucking Red Sea. Andy and Leland see me walking toward them. Andy turns toward me and puts his hand up as he's dancing to give me a high-five, oblivious to my intent. Holding eye-contact with the Persian girl the entire time I brush Andy to the side to reach her. We dance.

Later in the night I'm walking through the dance floor to get to the bar and I notice the same Persian woman in the crowd. 

She's walking toward me as I'm walking toward her.

We make eye contact.

Time slows down.

I realize I can dodge bullets.

Morpheus tells me when I'm ready I won't have to.

I laugh it off as preposterous. Why would I not want to dodge bullets?!

FOCUS!

We make eye contact. I grin. She grins. As we reach each other I slide my arm around her back and we make out. I release her and we part ways.

Vegas: 5
Rick Tastic: 3

I reach a point in the night where three lines of blow couldn't give me enough energy to keep going ("In retrospect, that's probably not true because 2010 Rick had never even tried cocaine by this point." - 2017 Rick). I leave XS and attempt to relax in the casino.

And by relax, I mean get accosted by every group of girls on their way out of the club. I've never had to pose for so many pictures I'll never actually see. I finally escape and make it back to the hotel where I pass out faster than a roofied narcoleptic.

Waking up on Saturday is going to be a bitch.

 

 

Have you been to Vegas? What was your first time like? What was your favorite memory from the experience? Comment below and tell me about it!

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2 Comments

  1. This was a triumph! I’m glad to see you’re making your blog happen. What’re you using for this, wordpress? Blogger? Either way, I expect to see it pimped out like your face is.
    A

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