Andy needs his eggs again and I need to get rid of my hangover (read: start drinking) from last night. Three Bloody Mary's and I'm out the door. We sit down for breakfast… another Bloody Mary.
After breakfast we head to Fat Tuesdays to continue drinking because at 11am our BAC is slacking.
A two foot tall frozen daiquiri with extra shots?
Duh, we'll take four.
Andy and I figure it's a good time to gamble so we head to O'Sheas Casino. I sit down at a Blackjack table and with Andy laughing appropriately I go through $200 like it's my fucking job. Next we head to the nearest poker table. Andy agrees that it would be a good idea to give me money to buy in with.
It's gone in two hands.
Luckily, I don't actually need to be playing cards at the table to be served unlimited free alcohol so I stay and focus on more important things like drinking, fucking with people, and singing, all the while tipping the cocktail waitress with Andy's money.
Four White Russians later and I'm finally at that point just beyond intoxicated, which I like to call "fucking drunk as shit." Andy proceeds to sing along to Journey at the top of his lungs while taking everyone's money. He gets equally as drunk and we leave.
While walking back Andy decides he would like to purchase one of the Mexican-hooker-card-distributor shirts that has their belief system and deeply held motto, "GIRLS DIRECT TO YOUR ROOM IN 20 MINUTES" plastered as large as possible on the front.
To start on this quest I grab as many hooker cards as possible and throw them at people walking by.
That actually had nothing to do with Andy's pursuit of a shirt, but it felt necessary at the time.
We set out to find a shirt that's not XXL and NOT being sold for $40. We wander up and down the strip approaching several groups of Mexicans looking for the "leader" who can usually be seen wearing a backpack or an umbrella hat.
One must approach carefully so as not to startle them and possibly cause a stampede ("Was that supposed to be racist? Are there herd animals native to Mexico that stampede when startled?" – 2017 Rick).
After sweating our asses off and risking our lives several times over, Andy eventually talks one of the "leaders" into selling him a medium shirt for $20 only for us to get back to the hotel and find a souvenir shop selling them for $16.95 in all sizes and colors.
Andy grabs one in bright neon yellow and I buy the size-small womens pink tank top (as if a mens t-shirt was really an option for me). Angel, Andy, and I immediately don our new attire and continue down the hall to get food.
As we're walking toward a pizza shop, a woman with very nicely sized (read: YUGE) breasts barely being contained in her bikini top, approaches us and starts talking to me about our shirts. We all get a picture taken and then Angel and Andy go next door to get burgers while I keep talking to Tits McGee… and by "keep talking" I mean she says something, I tell her that her tits are fucking gorgeous, and then she drags me over to her friends to introduce me.
We continue talking about her amazing jugs.
Her friends finish eating and Tits McGee tells me they're going back to their rooms to get ready. We say goodbye and part ways… and by "goodbye" I mean it went something like this:
"If you weren't married I'd titty-fuck the shit out of you right now."
With a smirk and an ever-so-classy wink, "If I wasn't married I'd let you…"
I join Andy and Angel at the burger place, but since I don't really eat when I drink for days on end, and since I'm partially retarded, I decide that instead of sitting down with them at the table I'm just going to stand in the middle of the Casino hallway and perform my classic Superman pose.
After Andy and Angel finish laughing at everyone walking by with looks of total confusion on their faces we go back to the room and pass out for a few hours.
On to the evening!
Have you been to Vegas? What was your first time like? What was your favorite memory from the experience? Comment below and tell me about it!
- VEGAS. ROUND 1. THURSDAY & FRIDAY – POPPING THE CHERRY
- VEGAS. ROUND 1. SATURDAY – KARMA'S A BITCH
- VEGAS. ROUND 2. FRIDAY – RAMONA
- VEGAS. ROUND 2. SATURDAY – POOLS AND HOOKERS!
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