As soon as we wake up from our mid-afternoon nap I grab the Skyy Vodka and a can of Monster and go to work. We go to Tao since I'm on the list (and completely broke). Once again, Andy writes his phone number and some girl’s name onto my chest and we take off. We get to Tao and head for the guest list line.
To summarize our time in line:
- A group of girls hands us a full bottle of Patron to "dispose of” before we get in… we dispose of it quickly and efficiently!
- We teach an older married couple what it meant when I told the wife that I would motorboat the shit out of her tits… Her husband does not punch me in the face!
- We’re not on the list, but we’re let in anyway!
We get in and go straight up to Tao Beach on the roof. Andy and I are standing by the bar when Rob walks up with every cute Irish girl in Vegas.
SIDENOTE: These girls just flew in from Ireland. This is their first night in Vegas. They’re staying for 10 days. That’s 10 24-hour periods of time. Good luck with that.
We entertain the Irish girls for a while before they go downstairs to Tao. At this point Rob, Andy, and I disperse.
I'm not sure what's going through my head at this point, but I'm pretty sure it's something like, "What can I do to make absolutely sure I don't get laid tonight?" At which point my mind comes up with a few answers, including:
- Dance with the brides-to-be in bachelorette parties
- Flirt/dance with women while their husbands/boyfriends are right there
- Spend as much time as possible with unavailable women
- Spill the drinks of any single ladies I talk to
I would like to give myself a pat on the back for accomplishing all of the above.
The end of the night approaches as the lights start coming on and last-call drink orders are made. It's time to make a decision.
A) make a last ditch effort to sweep a woman off her feet in the post-last-call cockroach scramble?
B) do whatever it takes to get kicked out of Tao right fucking now?
Oh, is that a pool?
I empty my pockets, remove my shoes and hand everything to Andy. I approach the edge of the pool. I raise my arms. As I get ready to do the most graceful alcohol-inspired swan dive into 4 feet of water, one of the bouncers, in seemingly slow motion with a cry of “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," reaches his hand out to try and stop me.
So close. SO close.
Not too loud of a splash, of course, because I know how to do a fucking swan dive!
("Damn! I don't know how to do a swan dive anymore!" – 2017 Rick)
Since none of the bouncers want to get wet they all start yelling at me while I do my stripper dance (you bet your tits I have a stripper dance). Eventually I move too close to the edge and the bouncers pull me out of the pool. I'm immediately escorted by three or four more bouncers through the back of the club, through a kitchen, and down a bunch of hallways.
The whole time I’m hoping and praying they’re going to lead me into a windowless room with two huge black dudes waiting to beat the shit out of me.
Alas, they bring me into the restaurant and throw me out the front door.
Fortunately (for who, I don't know), I gave my wallet, room key, and shoes to Andy before I dove into a pool and danced like a stripper for five minutes because now I'm standing in the middle of Vegas at 4am, barefoot, and soaking wet with absolutely no way to get into my room or get a hold of anyone.
If that's not success I'd love for anyone to tell me what is.
I somehow make it back to the hotel and wander around for a while before stumbling upon Andy talking to a hooker.
Hallelujah! The night is redeemed.
When I was getting kicked out for jumping in the pool Andy was trying to get kicked out with me because he had all my stuff. He was trying to follow me as the bouncers led me into the back, but they would not kick him out with me. Apparently you actually have to do something bad to get kicked out.
Andy exits Tao with my shoes in hand. Drunk off his ass he goes up to the first employees he sees outside of Tao, who happen to be at the poker room.
Andy, as he holds my shoes up, asks "Have you seen the rest of my friend?"
"Okay, put my name on the list for your next poker game".
Andy loses all the money he won at the poker game earlier that day by going from $250 to $7 dollars quicker than it took the bouncers to kick me out of Tao.
Andy leaves and realizes that he doesn't have enough money to take a taxi back to Bally's.
Naturally, Andy sees the walk back to the casino as the perfect opportunity to play the sympathy card on groups of girls by holding up my shoes and asking them "Have you seen the rest of my friend?"
After countless failed attempts Andy comes to the conclusion my shoes are not going to get him laid.
He is pretty wasted at this point, though, and walks by a group of African American men that must have been in a gang (obviously this is deduced by gathering all available facts and observations and by no means racial profiling and/or referencing stereotypical dress and behavior).
("Interesting – my sense of humor had a bit of a racist twist back then." -2017 Rick)
Andy, being the funny white guy he is, makes them laugh so hard Chris Rock would have been jealous. While doing this he sees a short, black, ugly girl ("Ok, 2010 Rick, you're starting to push it." – 2017 Rick) and reaches into the womb of his mind to retrieve… well, anything.
"Hey baby, lookin’ for some fun?"
Coincidentally, Andy is “lookin’ for some fun,” but not the kind of fun she's thinking of. With a long walk back to the casino he decides to keep her around for entertainment purposes.
Andy continues, "Have you seen the rest of my friend. Do you know where Bally's is? I'm so lost."
"I can help you, baby."
YES! The line worked!
During the walk back to Bally's he plays a game called “What Does It Take to Get Rid of a Hooker?”
He starts, "My dick might not be long, but it sure is skinny."
She laughs and continues walking with him.
“If money and status weren’t an issue what would you do for work?”
She ignores the question and continues walking with him.
A reference to Missy Elliott comes up, “Her song "One Minute Man" ain't go nothing on me. I’m more like a one-second man.”
"Well, it'll be the best second of your life, baby.”
Andy concludes it’s going to take more than the idea of a prematurely ejaculating insensitive asshole with a short, skinny dick to make her realize it’s not worth the $20 she may or may not get out of him. He gets back to the hotel and I manage to find him. One of the hooker’s hooker-friends shows up and they start talking so Andy and I decide it’s an opportune moment to ditch her since “What Does It Take to Get Rid of a Hooker?” went from funny to weird to just plain scary.
You win ugly, little hooker, you win!
The rest of the night involves going back to the room, running into Rob, a friend of his, and two girls they’re with, me getting naked in the middle of a conversation, and then passing out drunk like I’ve never passed out drunk before.
Have you been to Vegas? What was your first time like? What was your favorite memory from the experience? Comment below and tell me about it!
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