Andy and I are invited last minute so neither of us is financially prepared for another Vegas trip this soon (as if that's a valid excuse) so we decide to attempt a "budgeted" weekend in Sin City. After the cost of the hotel room we set the budget at $200 total for both of us.
Andy picks me up and we leave San Diego.
Tequila keeps me occupied for most of the trip. Well, tequila sloppily poured into a half full (I'm an optimist) carton of orange juice, to be specific. Drinking on the way to Vegas is a convenient way to pregame, but also a convenient way to get out of being the driver… most of the time.
By the time we arrive in Vegas we have to meet up with a buddy at Burger King to get VIP passes into LAX (it was as ghetto as it sounds), a night club in the Luxor (the big pyramid hotel/casino), since it's well past 10 and our friends already got the party started at said club.
VIP Passes: $60
Total Cost: $60
We get to our hotel, the Excalibur, check in and head next door to LAX.
We present our passes, but they charge us anyway.
Total Cost: $110
We walk in and find our friends in one of the lofts upstairs, making the best of the table they requested.
Great… bottle service is EXACTLY what our budget was prepared for.
I'm glad we managed to stay under budget for all of 2 hours.
We find the loft and the moment we walk in my friend Steve Jobs (not the actual Jobs) walks up to me and throws his hands in the air (like he just don't care), “Rick! Just the guy I was looking for! I'd like you to meet someone.” He brings me over to a sexy blonde sitting on the couch.
“Ashley, this is my buddy Rick – I think you two will get along great.”
I introduce myself and sit down next to her.
In the time it takes for us to make eye contact we both consent to bypass the “conversation” part of getting to know each other and go straight for the hands-all-over-each-other-while-making-out part.
After we get to know the inside of each other's mouths for a little while I get up and Steve pours me a drink… and by “pours me a drink” I mean he hands me a shot and a glass of something that tastes like pure gin.
I give the beginning of the night a thumbs up.
My other buddy, Jay, walks over, drink in hand and a big smile on his face, “Heeeyyy! Rick, I have a couple girls I want you to meet.”
This oughta be good.
He introduces me to a blonde and a brunette from England, “Ladies, this is Rick, he’s also a professional.”
I start chatting with them about their rates and hypothetically if we were all to have sex how we would determine who charges what since my rate is stupid high, though I do offer them a discount since they have great teeth for being British.
Soon my ADHD kicks in and I wander off to find three Asians dancing by the railing overlooking the dance floor (it's amusing how all these random girls just find their way into OUR loft – 2017 Rick (why did I never think about that before? – Also 2017 Rick)). I set my sights on the cutest/shortest one and we start dancing. After groping each other for a few minutes I bring her over to the couch and sit her down on my lap.
As we start making out, she stops suddenly, “I can’t do this, I have a boyfriend.”
“Really?! That’s interesting.” And I resume.
I start kissing her neck and she stops me again, “I’m sorry, I really can’t… Let’s go dance!”
We get up and go back to dancing. After some more groping I get bored and go to the table. I pour myself a gin on the rocks, with a splash of gin, mix it with some gin, and slam it.
I take a shot to wash it down.
I turn around to notice the most gorgeous woman I’ve seen all night walking toward me: 5’8”, dark hair, amazing body, nice tits, great ass, all squeezed into a tight little black dress with a face belonging to a model that models for models' faces.
That's actually not an accurate use of the…
I'm just saying, if you're going to make a movie reference like that at least use the right one.
Fuck you, I'm drunk! Back to the story!
As you wish…
She introduces herself and we immediately hit it off. We talk for a while about how beautiful she is, how much she loves my eyes, and eventually transition to threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes.
After such shallow, objectifying topics we fall into rapport and I find out she’s celebrating her 40th birthday, has three kids, has been married for 15 years, and her husband is sitting five feet away in their half of the loft with their friends (two tables occupy each loft, with ours being one half and hers being the other half).
Can this possibly get any better?
We continue flirting, caressing, and occasionally licking each other’s face… and not even in the sweet romantic way, but the way your dog tries to lick your face when you get home after being gone for a day… or 15 minutes.
Humans are gross.
After we've become familiar with each other she tells me she has to see to her husband and make sure he isn’t getting too jealous.
I notice a busty brunette has made her way into our loft with her friends so I meander on over.
We make eye contact and I smile, “You are so cute.”
…and we start making out.
I get to know her tits on a first-name basis and then take a break. I go over to the railing, smirk, and look out over the dance floor below.
Once I finish contemplating the deeper meanings of life I turn around to see the 40 year old sitting on her husband’s lap, the two of them making out. She notices me looking at her and I smile. She smiles back, stops making out with her husband, and stands up. She walks over, slides her arms behind my back, gives me a mischevious grin, and eye-fucks the shit out of me.
We pick up where we left off.
The flirting and touching become increasingly more intense until I find it harder and harder to restrain my desires. I place my hands on her tiny waist and pull her in close. I smile and whisper, “There are so many things I want to do to you right now – it’s driving me crazy.”
She cops a feel and smirks, “I can tell…”
I smile back, “I’m heading to the bathroom, meet me there in…”
Before I can finish the sentence she takes off.
If there was any way she could turn me on even more, she just did.
I go over to Jay and explain what happened just to kill some time so as not to arouse further suspicion from the husband.
I start heading for the women’s restroom. As I enter and see a wall of at least a dozen stalls I sense the gears in my head come to a painfully screeching halt…
I’ve completely forgotten her name.
Before I can come up with some clever way of getting her attention from whatever stall she may be residing in the restroom attendant walks in, “Sir, you can’t be in here. This is the ladies restroom; the men’s restroom is around the corner.”
I feign ignorance, “Oh, I’m sorry, I had no idea.”
I walk outside and wait. Within a minute or so my nameless MILF exits the bathroom with a look of utter disappointment on her face. I notice my friends getting ready to leave and looking for me so I walk her back to the loft and we reluctantly part ways. For the rest of the night I mentally and verbally kick myself.
There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but it’s not every day the opportunity arises to fuck the brains out of a stunning MILF in the bathroom stall of a Vegas night club while her husband is down the hall with their friends celebrating her birthday.
That's definitely only a once or twice a month opportunity.
C'est la vie.
BACK TO THE ACTION!
We find some restaurant in the Luxor. The line is 30 miles long (give or take 29.99 miles).
Jay walks to the front of the line.
He actually stops right before the front so as to not make it “too obvious” we just cut in front of 50 people.
The hostess looks at the girls in front of us, “How many?”
“Three… but,” one of girls points to us, “these guys just cut in front of everyone!”
The hostess turns to Jay, sword in hand and eyes aflame, “Sir, did you skip everyone in line?”
Jordan readies himself in a valiant effort to defeat the evil hostess, “These girls were definitely in front of us.”
The hostess swings down with a heavy slash, “Sir, I’m going to need you to go to the back of the line.”
Jay parries the slash and you can hear the plea for life in his voice, “They were definitely in front of us, just seat them and we’ll be fine.”
But his efforts are futile. The hostess recovers and spins around for a backslash, “Sir, go to the back of the line.”
At this point I realize the uphill battle is now taking place on a steeper hill so I jump out of line and look for an alternate entrance.
I find a random archway (some might refer to it as the “restaurant exit”) and I signal the guys to walk in with me. We sit down at a table and attempt to hide behind our menus from the evil hostess long enough to get a server.
The server arrives and I yell, "Pancakes!"
Evil hostess, three bitchy girls, and everyone else in line: 0
Not a bad start to the weekend.
Total Cost: $440
(This is why I never keep a budget – 2017 Rick)
Have you ever made a budget for Vegas and actually stuck to it? If so, are you not human? What planet did you come from? Comment below and tell me about it!
- VEGAS. ROUND 1. THURSDAY & FRIDAY – POPPING THE CHERRY
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- VEGAS. ROUND 2. SATURDAY – GIRLS DIRECT TO YOUR ROOM IN 20 MINUTES
- VEGAS. ROUND 2. SATURDAY – POOLS AND HOOKERS!
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